My husband and I are sitting at the table discussing our maladies and he states he figured we would die young. We are in our early sixties now. He and I both has serious illnesses that we battle daily. It got me to thinking what I hoped to accomplish prior to my death and here is the list I came up with-my bucket list:
- Go on vacation. It has been two years since we have been anywhere for fun.
- Write a book that actually sells. My previous books have sold some copies, but nothing to write home about.
- Write a successful blog. Self-explanatory.
- Sell my handmade jewelry and the furniture we finish refurbishing for extra money.
- No more surgeries after this one.
- Loose weight. I have gained since my lung surgery because of a hernia that developed post-operatively. Back injury due to the hernia. Basically, physical activity that I enjoy has been limited. Hoping this surgery to repair the hernia will allow me the freedom to do the activities I would like.
- Continue to connect with old friends.
- Win money gambling. I don’t care if it is Atlantic City, Las Vegas, or scratch offs if it is at least $200.00.
Well, that is the beginning of my list. I am sure I will come up with more as I go forward,
Of course, my husband and I may live long past when we suspect. That is fine with both of us if we have some quality of life. We would like to be able to do the things we like to do in some capacity. We like the symphony. I would like to go sometime around Christmas. The thing about just suspecting we will not live to ripe old ages is not enough though to spend our retirement savings. If we live until 80 years of age, we would like some back up to go with our social security income. And, stuff happens. Tires, cars, refrigerators, air conditioning, furnaces, and so on, all go on the blink eventually and cost to fix or replace so there is that……
I worked as an RN in a major trauma Emergency Room soon after receiving my RN licensure. I learned very quickly young people die as well as old people. I learned every way a person could die except for in the bed peacefully. It sticks with you. Then, as a hospice nurse I learned other ways people die. Young and old die and there is no ability really to tell if one will die young or die old.
So, here we are waiting to be able to go on vacation. So far, due to surgeries or illness, we have yet to go on one. Then there is money also. Every time we plan something, we must put out money for something unexpected.
Last time it was for pets-which we never regret. One had a recurrence of seizures and had to stay overnight in an Emergency facility for monitoring and then to see his neurologist. We then rescued a dog who ended up having severe dental issues and double ear infections. Together, they cost us over $2000.00 within a month. Vacation was not to be.
For six months after my original surgery for lung cancer, I have been going from doctor to doctor about a grapefruit sized lump in my side that occurred shortly after the surgery. Over and over I was told there was nothing that could be done to fix the area and I would just have to learn to live with it. Now I finally am diagnosed with a rare type of hernia that must be fixed with surgery. So, this sets any chance of vacation two months out-one month to get into the surgery and a month after the surgery to travel.
Amid this I fought a severe episode of depression and mixed episodes to boot. Not a fun time, but that seems to have finally resolved after two months. I am just looking forward to the hernia surgery and being able to resume my normal life afterwards.
Of course, I am having CT scans every three months for a year to check for the return of lung cancer, but I am not too concerned about this. If it has returned, I will deal with that then. I told my husband and my friends if I am ever diagnosed as terminal, I will stop by the cigarette store on the way home and buy a carton. I have been compliant because I would like to live, but I miss cigarette smoking I admit.
There is a phrase to describe a cancer survivor’s feelings about those CT scans. It is called “scanxiety”. I keep waiting for that feeling but have not had it yet. Maybe if they find something and I must go through chemotherapy or radiation I will develop it, but nothing now.
So, the next plan is to go on vacation. We will see if that plays out. I hope so. I just want to be away from home and chores to have some fun! We both deserve it.